desire of my heart

I am having trouble lately.

There is a huge desire of our hearts to have children and sometime soon would be wonderful with us! One of the hard parts is the waiting, but sometimes even harder is watching our friends get to experience the joys of new pregnancies and new babies and knowing that we haven't gotten our blessing yet.

I know God has a plan for our lives and for our children, but for times like these, I just struggle to not loose hope. I pray constantly and Steven and I pray together about it. It has been a blessing and a privilege to pray daily with my husband, but I have waited four years to hear him say that he desires children (with me) and now that it's here, I feel helpless. There are only so many things you can do on your own about this sort of thing and then you have to believe that God is in control and that His plan is better than what we could ever imagine possible! That's hard too. I want to believe this with all my heart, but the human side of me wants to be in control of my life and just make it happen my way.

Some people would say, "when it's the right time, it will happen." Well, the problem with that is that there are many people who don't seem to have it "together" and they have kids and it surely doesn't seem like the "right time" for THEM to have kids and not me! Others say, "it will happen when you stop trying." Well, it's hard NOT to think about it when your desire is so strong.

All I can do is pray. Pray that God continues to work in me, to make me the mother and wife that I need to be before hand. Pray that my relationship with my husband grows stronger and deeper, regardless of what happens. Pray that I may have opportunities to grow closer in my relationship with God and through that, I will have a clearer understanding of His plans for my life.

But it's still so hard...